One of the world greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." "You're very kind," he said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
Professor Jones was visiting a ranch out in Texas. He looked at a rope in his hand and mumbled to himself, "One of the two things -- either I've found a rope or lost a horse."
Professor (sitting beside his bed with a shoe in his hand): "Now let's see, am I going to sleep or waking up?
Four engineers were travelling by car to a seminar, when unfortunately, the vehicle broke down. The chemical engineer said "Obviously, some constituent of the fuel has caused this failure to occur." The mechanical engineer replied "I disagree, I would surmise that an engine component has suffered a catastrophic structural failure." The electrical engineer also had a theory. "I believe an electrical component has ceased to function, thereby causing an ignition malfunction." The software engineer thought for some time. When at last he spoke he said "What would happen if we all got out and then got back in again?"
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress... The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on, and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!" The guy says, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either."
A man finds a lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says that he will grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a minute and says, "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. So my wish is that you build a road to Hawaii." The genie thought about that and said to the man, "I don't think I can grant this wish. All the asphalt and supplies to make the roads, tunnels, and bridges. Not to mention the amount of time and work it would take. That's just too much work. So, no, make another wish." The man thought for a moment and said, "Well, something else I would really like is to know what goes on inside a woman's head. I want to understand women. You know, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they get mad, why they are happy. Just overall, what makes them tick." The genie looked at the man and said, "Two lanes or four?"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why, does the parrot cost so much?", asks the first man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot. He is told that this one costs $1000, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot. He is told that it costs $2000. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Source : Study english today
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar, or a pub if you prefer. They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it over the beer and starts shaking him up and down finally yelling "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"